


this is nuts, but be a little boulder

by athletiger



Series: this is definitely nuts [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Animals, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Crack, Dogs, Fluff, Golden Retriever!Steve, Hammer is a bully, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, M/M, Squirrel!Tony, Squirrels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-08
Updated: 2019-01-08
Packaged: 2019-10-06 13:14:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17345873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/athletiger/pseuds/athletiger
Summary: Dogs are the bane of Tony’s existence. They’re loud, they’re annoying, they ruin everything, and most especially, they love chasing poor squirrels trying to save up acorns for winter. Tony hates the way they terrorize the squirrel population with their barking and their eagerness to nose their way into business they shouldn’t be in. The white husky with a black streak in his coat who comes by every morning at sunrise nips at Rhodey’s ankles aggressively when the squirrel is minding his own business. The poodle with the stupid floppy ears and half-naked body, preens when humans “ooh” and “ahh” at her beauty when the sun casts a golden glow on the field, smirking when she sees Pepper staring furiously at her from a tree.Tony has had enough with dogs. A squirrel’s got to protect his territory and his family after all.





	this is nuts, but be a little boulder

**Author's Note:**

> This prompt was inspired by a trek in London's Hyde Park during Christmas when a dog was frantically chasing squirrels. I needed the poor squirrels to take revenge, hence I came up with Tony as a squirrel with rocks as his weapon. Then I needed Steve in there, and it was only natural that Steve's the friendliest dog I could come up with, and he's sunshine (and dumb and a big ball of floof) who falls in love with the surly squirrel.
> 
> Big thanks to FreyaS for encouraging me to work on this fic and then beta-ing it like fuck (cuz I sent her the roughest draft I could possibly give her; ily <3)

Dogs are the bane of Tony’s existence. They’re loud, they’re annoying, they ruin everything, and most especially, they love chasing poor squirrels trying to save up acorns for winter. Tony hates the way they terrorize the squirrel population with their barking and their eagerness to nose their way into business they shouldn’t be in. The white husky with a black streak in his coat who comes by every morning at sunrise nips at Rhodey’s ankles aggressively when the squirrel is minding his own business. The poodle with the stupid floppy ears and half-naked body, preens when humans “ooh” and “ahh” at her beauty when the sun casts a golden glow on the field, smirking when she sees Pepper staring furiously at her from a tree.

Tony has had enough with dogs. A squirrel’s got to protect his territory and his family after all.

So the next time when a baby Yorkshire terrier is let off her leash, barking and screeching with glee to see baby Peter on the grassy field, Tony stands in front of a frozen Peter with all the fury that a squirrel can have. The sudden appearance surprises the terrier, and she tries to stop before she crashes into Tony. It doesn’t go very successfully, but it gives ample opportunity for Tony to shove rocks into that stupid open mouth.

“Leave us alone!” Tony reprimands harshly, bopping the baby terrier hard on the nose for good measure. The rocks spill out of the terrier’s stunned mouth, and she backs up, frightened at Tony’s mad face. Then she tears away as fast as her small legs can carry her, whimpering and crying back to her human.

“Mr. Stark, Mr. Stark!” Tony turns around halfway, only to fall over backwards when Peter tackles him with a hug. “Thank you so much for saving me! She was so scary!”

Tony pats Peter awkwardly on the head. “It’s no big deal. Just be more careful next time – the world’s a scary place. Run along now, kid.” Peter hugs him a moment longer for good measure before he scampers off, yelling “MJ” at the top of his lungs. Beside him, Tony hears a muffled huff, and he jerks his head over to glare at Rhodey and Happy stuffing their mouths with acorns. It doesn’t stop the amusement from showing on their faces though. “Don’t. You. Dare,” Tony growls before he stomps off.

He misses the way they look at each other before letting the acorns spill from their mouths, but he hears them laugh uncontrollably. “I can still hear you!” he yells, scampering back up his tree to work on a new squirrel-y project, Project: Fuck Dogs.

Most of the dogs have learned by now that Tony defends his territory viciously, and they know better to come into his territory unless they want to be pelted by small projectiles. The new dogs that come by the field has learned quickly too.

All of them…except that stupid golden retriever who can’t seem to learn his lesson.

The retriever used to be the new dog on the field, eager to sniff everything the way the dogs do, chasing poor squirrels up trees, and sneezing when his nose touched grass. Tony watched him from afar at first, because he used to be happily on the other side of the field when the sun was highest in the sky. But then, _then_ , he began to venture out into new and unfamiliar territory, steadily encroaching closer to Tony’s part of the field, and Tony readied to make it rain rocks when he finally passed the boundaries.

Five sun cycles later, Tony welcomes him in the most Tony-way possible. The retriever barks in surprise, leaping back before the rocks could pelt his coat, and he looks up to see Tony glaring back at him.

“Hi!” the stupid dog says. Even his voice sounds dumb, smooth like honey and bright like the sun. He dips his head slightly. “My name is Steve. I’m new to the neighborhood.”

“Go away. Dogs are not welcomed here,” Tony says, throwing a rock at Steve. Steve just sidesteps the flying projectile and frowns.

“That’s rude,” Steve chides. “I’m just introducing myself. Not looking to hurt you.”

Tony huffs, but Steve looks earnest at his statement, so Tony crawls down his tree, one paw forward at a time, descending slowly until he’s face to face with the retriever. So close, Steve goes cross-eyed trying to look at him, and Tony says, “My name is Tony. There, happy? Now _go away_.” Tony shoves that stupid wet muzzle back, forcing Steve to take several steps backwards until he is on the other side of Tony’s territory. Tony scraps his paw on the ground between them, turning grass and dirt until there is a distinct line between them. Tony points at it and glares at Steve. “This is the line. You don’t pass this line. Pass it, and I’ll make you eat rocks.”

“You got it,” Steve says happily and then promptly breaks the rules. He stretches his head past the line to nuzzle Tony before drawing away. Stunned at the action, Tony stays still behind the line, watching as Steve runs back to his owner. He slowly brings a paw up to his cheek and touches the wetness where Steve’s wet nose had pressed against his fur.

Tony shudders. “Disgusting dog,” he mutters, before he heads back to his tree. He turns sharply back to the field when he remembers that he is running low on his stash of weapons – he would need it the next time Steve dares come back.

Although Tony expected to see Steve again the next sun cycle (because the dogs who come by this field are consistent – Pepper has a schedule for all of them), it’s another seven sun cycles before Steve returns to the field. Tony’s back is turned and his face is buried in the dirt when Steve’s says cheerfully, “Hi Tony!”

Tony leaps into the air, startled by the sudden presence of the retriever. When have dogs been this silent anyway? They’re loud, they stumble over their own legs, and they lick everything in reach. Tony lands on four paws facing Steve, and he hisses, his bushy tail flicking angrily. Steve’s mouth is open wide, tongue lolling out of his mouth, as he lays on the grass just at the edge of the perimeter. It is also the perfect opportunity for Tony to shove rocks into Steve’s stupid mouth before he darts away up his tree.

He doesn’t look back down to see Steve slink away from the perimeter, dejected.

Tony doesn’t see Steve for another three sun cycles, but every sunrise, Tony looks down to see a beautiful, golden-brown acorn at the base of his tree. At first,  he looks at it suspiciously, nose twitching as he sniffs at the object, moving around it to stare at it this way and that. Nothing seems out of place, even when Tony carefully pokes the acorn before scampering away quickly. When he decides that it is safe, he snatches the big acorn in his hands and piles it into the storage hole where he has saved his other nuts.

The fourth sunrise has risen to its apex in the sky by the time Steve returns to sit at the edge of the perimeter. Tony definitely has not been thinking about the stupid face and that lolling tongue and those bright eyes during the time he was gone. “Hello, Steve. Goodbye Steve,” Tony snarks. He didn’t miss this big lump at all. “Where were you anyway?”

He’s not that interested in hearing Steve’s answer, no siree. But he waits, and watches as Steve brightens at the question. “Hello, Tony,” Steve says. “I’ve been busy. My human brings me to places, and he makes me sniff stuff before telling me to search it. I get rewarded with toys when I get it right!”

“Sounds like your human is using you for work,” Tony points out, forgetting for a moment that he doesn’t care where Steve has been.

“I don’t know Tony. It’s fun and I get treats afterwards. I get a pretty good deal.” Steve looks at Tony, and he thumps his tail against the grass. “Anyway, I’m sorry for sneaking up on you the other day. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“You didn’t scare me,” Tony vehemently denies, tail flicking angrily at the notion.

Steve cocks his head curiously. “No? Then what had you scampering up your tree like a frightened squirrel?”

Oh, _that’s it_. Tony has had enough of the abuse. He charges forward, giving Steve enough time to open his mouth with surprise, and in the next moment, Steve’s mouth is full of rocks, and Tony is nowhere to be seen.

The next time he sees the golden ball of sunshine ambling over to his corner of his field, Tony groans and says, “ _You_.” Tony throws his paws up in the air. “Haven’t you learned your lesson by now? How many times have this been? Three, four times?”

Steve looks up at Tony, straining his neck back to look at him sitting on one of the lower tree branches, before he ducks down and puts his muzzle on the other side of the now-imaginary line. Beautiful acorns tumble out of his mouth, ones as perfect as the three acorns that have been stored in Tony’s winter stash, and now he knows…

“Peace offering?” Steve asks hopefully, just before he gets a mouthful of rocks. When he looks down, the acorns are nowhere to be seen.

-

Tony hasn’t seen Steve in several sun cycles, much longer than normal, not that he is counting – he doesn’t care. Tony’s out collecting the final batch of acorns as gold and red leaves fall gently from the trees. He’s ventured out much further away from his territory than usual, stuffing some final acorns in his mouth with Pepper, Rhodey, and Happy until they are sure there is enough to eat for the winter.

They are so busy scavenging for the last bit of food that they forget to be aware of their surroundings until they hear a growl that sounds much too loud and close for the squirrels’ liking. As one, the squirrels look up, acorns falling comically out of their slack jaws, to see a pack of dogs just at the edge of the clearing, faces mean and promising hurt and possible death if the squirrels stay and try to fight their way out of this.

They’re no Steve, that’s for certain. Unlike the friendly retriever, they’re looking for a hunt.

Absolute stillness breaks into a flurry of action – the squirrels turn tail and run, adrenaline pumping through their veins as they fight to live. The dogs bark loudly behind them, excited for the chase.

“Go, go, go!” Tony yells, running as fast as his legs let him. But then, he hears a scream of absolute terror, and Tony stops. Turns. Watches as one of the dogs nip at Pepper’s leg; she is crippled and unable to flee.

In a second, the other dogs would catch up to them. And in another, Pepper would face certain death.

Tony would never let that happen as long as he lives. He turns around, running faster than before. He puts on a burst of speed, watching in slow motion as one of the evil dogs bends his head down, teeth bared, over Pepper’s heaving body.

“No!” Tony yells, and he slots himself between Pepper and the enemy. The dog’s teeth piece into the fur and flesh of his body. Unimaginable pain, white and hot in its intensity, courses through his veins

“Run,” Tony whispers to Pepper. She is still under him, eyes widened with shock. “Run!” he repeats before he blacks out when the dog lifts his head up, taking Tony with him.

When he comes back to himself, he is on the ground, limp and dazed, blood running out of his body in rivulets. Breathing with his broken body is an agonizing experience, but someone is telling him to breathe, so he takes a shallow breath.

With his blurry vision, he sees two dogs fighting viciously against the group of dogs, watching as they come dangerously close to his prone body.

“Tony, breathe,” the voice instructs, and he does. “Good. Look at me. Come on, you can do it.”

It even hurts to move his heavy, sluggish head, but Tony does his best. Through hazy eyes, he sees Steve’s blurry outline, and he gasps shallowly. “That’s it,” Steve encourages. “I know it hurts, and I know that Hammer bit you, so I didn’t want to touch you until you could see me. Breathe, Tony.”

Tony follows Steve’s instructions, and when Steve sees Tony’s chest move, even though it’s slight, he smiles. “That’s good, keep doing that. It’s too dangerous for you to stay out here while Bucky and Clint are fighting them, but you’re going to bleed out if I don’t get you help. Is it okay if I move you?”

Tony looks at him, gasps, but doesn’t reply. “Tony, you’re bleeding out. I need you to please let me move you,” Steve begs. Tony musters up the strength to dip his sluggish head down once, breathlessly, but Steve acknowledges the small motion. “Okay, I’ve got you Tony. Hang on.”

With the most gentle pressure, Steve wraps his muzzle around Tony’s broken body, and Tony shudders hard, fear and pain wracking his body. Steve immediately  backs off. “It’s okay Tony, it’s me,” Steve says, looking at Tony in the eyes. “Keep breathing for me.” Tony gasps again, and he twitches his paw in Steve’s direction. Steve takes that as permission to pick Tony up as softly as he can, and he moves as quickly as possible with the least amount of jostling. Tony’s vision blurs in and out as tremors of agony wrack through his tiny body, but he trusts Steve to take care of him, and he’ll hold on as best as he can because Steve asked him to. He blacks out when the pain becomes too much to deal with.

Finally…finally, Tony comes back to himself when he is placed back on the ground. Blood is still sluggishly leaking from his wounds, and from the far distance, he hears a “Really Steve? A squirrel?” A moment passes, than another, and Tony hears Steve whines deep within his chest and he feels him nudge his broken body. Tony is light-headed with pain and completely limp, his lungs broken and tired.

“Stay with me,” Steve whines.

Tony takes one last weak breath and as he fades away again, he hears a “Goddamnit Steve, I can’t believe I’m about to do CPR on a squirrel” and sees a large figure over him before he feels the pain of heavy pressure against his flesh.

Unfamiliar white lights overhead, a cold metal…whatever it is below him, warmth cradling his hurt body...everything comes in flashes in Tony’s weakened mind. He doesn’t remember much during those dazed but conscious moments. He fades in and out as his body repairs itself from the debilitating wounds, and even though he is in an unfamiliar setting, he still feels comforted by a warm weight beside him.

He finally wakes fully, blinking slowly, and his heart beats faster when he realizes he doesn’t know where he is. But before he can spiral into a full-blown panic, a tail wraps around him. “You’re awake,” Steve says from above him.

“Where-where am I?” Tony asks frantically, moving this way and that, struggling against the hold.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Steve soothes. “Stop struggling, or else you’re going to open your wounds again.” He waits until Tony stops fighting his hold  panting from the exertion because he is still weak. “Sam brought you back to his place so that you can recover from your wounds. I was scared that you were going to die.”

“Well I’m fine now,” Tony says, finally pulling away from Steve’s tail and dropping down to all fours. “I’m going to leave now.”

A large paw intercepts his attempt to leave. “I don’t think so,” Steve replies. “You’re still very weak, and it’s very cold outside right now.”

“But Rhodey and Pepper and Peter!” Tony exclaims, clawing the offending paw. He’s been away from his territory for too long, he’s sure, and he needs to go back to see that they’re safe.

But Steve puts another paw over his first one before dragging Tony back. “They’re okay, Tony. They’ve been coming by every day to make sure you’re still alive.” Steve ducks his head down and noses Tony in the other direction, towards the window. “Look.”

There they were, all three of them in a line on the window sill, faces pressed against the glass.

“They wouldn’t stop chattering until we let them in,” another voice says, and Tony snaps his head to see a three-legged German Shepherd padding towards them, “Annoying squirrels.”

“Dumb do– “ Tony begins to snark back before Steve interrupts with a chiding, “Bucky.”

“What?” Bucky replies, stopping to look at Tony. “They pelted stones at the window constantly until we let them in.”

“They’re worried for Tony,” Steve says, and he presses his wet nose gently into Tony’s fur.

Bucky huffs. “We protect them from Hammer and his dumb gang, and we get repaid with noisy rocks. What do we have to do in order to get some peace and quiet here?”

“Just let them in,” Steve sighs, and Bucky huffs again before padding over to the window. Steve tells Tony, “Bucky’s full of shit. He actually loves them – you should see him carrying Peter on his back.”

“Bullshit!” Bucky says back, even as he noses the window open and lets the three squirrels into the apartment. Peter clambers over Bucky’s muzzle, over his head and between his ears before he plops himself down on Bucky’s back.

“Go, go, go!” Peter says happily, grabbing onto Bucky’s fur as Bucky obediently carries him around the apartment. “Onwards to Mr. Stark!”

Pepper and Rhodey scampers towards Tony and Steve while Bucky entertains Peter. Steve releases Tony so that Pepper and Rhodey can get closer to the squirrel and inspect him critically. “I’m fine,” Tony says. “Barely a scratch.”

Pepper rolls her eyes, but her eyes are suspiciously damp. “You almost _died_ ,” she says before she hugs him gently. “Next time you pull such as stunt, I’m going to kill you myself.”

“She better get in line,” Rhodey says, barging his way in so that he can give Tony a gentle hug too. “We were scared that you wouldn’t make it. If Steve, Bucky, and Clint hadn’t come just in time, you would have been dog food.”

“We were busy,” Steve said apologetically. “They had to bring all of us in for something, and it took several days to find all of the stuff.”

Bucky pads over to Tony and plops his ass down, letting Peter slide down his back. “Mr. Stark, Mr. Stark!” Peter exclaims. “I was so _scared_!”

Rhodey pulls back Peter before he could tackle Tony. “Careful, Tony’s still injured,” Rhodey warns, and Steve drags Tony back so that he won’t re-injure himself from the intended attack. Tony pushes away the paw and stumbles over to Peter to hug him. “I’m fine, kid,” Tony says gently. “I’m still alive.”

“I’m so glad!” Peter cries. Tony pats Peter on the head gently, awkwardly, before his legs collapse underneath him in exhaustion.

“Okay, that’s enough excitement for you,” Pepper says, gently pushing Peter out of Tony’s hold. “We’ll come back to check in on you.” She looks at Steve. “Don’t eat him.”

Steve looks horrified at the prospect, and he rears his head back dramatically at the thought, and Rhodey smirks before he scampers after Pepper and Peter. “Don’t wear him out!” he calls.

Bucky snorts. “I’m sure Tony’ll wear Steve out before Steve’ll wear Tony out.”

Tony huffs, “Stupid dog,” but he doesn’t mean it, not anymore at least, and he allows Steve to gather him into his paws. It’s comfortable – golden, but fluffy. Steve noses Tony’s body gently.

“I’m glad you’re okay,” Steve says, laying his head beside the squirrel’s. Tony’s tail swishes in the air, and even though Tony still thinks dogs are the bane of his existence, he might make an exception for this dumb ball of sunshine.

-

Steve’s visits to the field are still inconsistent, but he makes sure to leave small nuts and acorns at the base of Tony’s tree whenever he comes around. Tony tolerates the golden retriever, even though he still thinks Steve is dumb. Bucky comes by once in a while too, if only to laugh at Steve’s awkward flirting and attempt at courting.

Recently, Steve’s fallen in love with Tony’s tail, a big, fluffy brown ball of feather light hair that’s the exact same size as Tony’s body. Now, whenever Steve drops by and Tony’s in the field searching for acorns, Steve sticks his nose into that soft tail. Every single time, he sneezes, sending Tony racing up his tree in fright and he has to be coaxed down.

And every time, Bucky laughs when Tony gets mad at Steve with all the anger the squirrel can have in his tiny little body, shoving rocks into that stupid open mouth. When he hears the fit of laughter, Tony will turn and shove more rocks onto Bucky’s dumb lolling tongue.

“ _Bye Steve, Bye Bucky,_ ” Tony mocks, shoving their stupid noses back over the perimeter.

It would be more effective if Tony meant it. Or if he didn’t have to shout, “Peter, get _off_ of Bucky’s back!” every damn time.

**Author's Note:**

> Sam's human - I know that's not particularly clear in the fic, but I tried.
> 
> If you enjoyed the fic, have an acorn. If you hated it, I have implemented Project: Fuck Humans (eat rocks! Acorns are a precious commodity).
> 
> There, I completed my own damn prompt, and if anyone asks, I'm Team Nat - she's that black cat sitting on a tree, boss of Clint and friends with Pepper. She's the one who makes the poodle jealous when she slinks up to humans to be petted...and she's the scariest of them all.
> 
> This fic comes with a sequel now: [This is nuts, but be a little bit more boulder](https://la-toratempesta.tumblr.com/post/182905544038/this-is-nuts-but-be-a-little-bit-more-boulder)


End file.
